# The Dual Nature of People-Pleasing: Finding Freedom While Preserving Your Kindness
At a cursory glance, people-pleasing may appear to be a benign or even commendable trait. After all, how could prioritizing the happiness of others and being pleasant be detrimental? Nonetheless, the term “people-pleasing” encompasses more than simple acts of kindness. The dictionary describes a people-pleaser as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.” This behavior can become detrimental when the need for others’ approval overshadows your own well-being.
Although the yearning for approval is a deeply ingrained instinct tied to our early survival, if left unchecked into adulthood, it may result in stress, inauthenticity, and feelings of resentment. Let’s explore the origins of people-pleasing, the indicators that it may have overtaken your life, and actionable steps to reclaim your personal agency.
—
## **Why People-Pleasing May Not Be Entirely Within Your Control**
From the earliest moments of our existence, seeking approval from others has been crucial. As children reliant on adults for our survival, we learned to navigate their validation. This instinct fostered safety, care, and a sense of belonging. However, as we transition into adolescence and adulthood, this survival-based craving for affirmation continues, though it may no longer be beneficial.
Let’s clarify—there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be liked or respected. In fact, being attuned to others often reinforces relationships and fosters a sense of community. Problems arise when people-pleasing becomes the primary force guiding our choices, causing us to overlook our own needs, desires, and aspirations.
To help determine if you may be caught in a cycle of people-pleasing, let’s identify some key indicators.
—
## **3 Major Indicators That You Are a People-Pleaser**
### 1. **You Agree When You Really Should Decline**
Agreeing when you’d prefer to decline frequently originates from a fear of letting others down or jeopardizing relationships. For instance, you may consent to lend money even when it strains your finances or assist a friend in moving while already feeling overwhelmed.
While occasional acts of generosity are commendable, persistently prioritizing the needs of others over your own can indicate an unhealthy imbalance. Over time, such behavior teaches others that your boundaries are fluid, which can lead to potential exploitation and a sense of depletion. Moreover, it signals that you may value others’ perceptions more than your own well-being.
—
### 2. **You Experience Feelings of Inauthenticity**
People-pleasers often disconnect from their true emotions and desires because they are overly fixated on conforming to what others wish them to be. When you routinely suppress your own needs, it becomes challenging to even identify them. This lack of authenticity may lead to avoidance: refraining from expressing your genuine feelings to avoid conflict or causing hurt.
For instance, rather than voicing your emotions to a partner, you might dismiss their hurtful behavior with thoughts like, _“They didn’t intend to hurt me, so there’s no reason to mention it.”_ However, ignoring these moments invalidates your feelings, hindering your ability to promote healthy communication and assert self-respect.
—
### 3. **You Experience Resentment and Bitterness**
When you dedicate so much energy to satisfying the wishes of others, you deprive yourself of time, energy, and resources. This unending self-sacrifice creates a detrimental cycle. You might feel resentment toward those you’ve tried so hard to accommodate, followed by guilt for feeling this way.
Furthermore, the obligation to fulfill everyone else’s expectations often leads to stress, physical fatigue, and even burnout. You may appear to be outwardly generous and accommodating, yet internally, bitterness can fester—stripping you of the joy and vitality you rightfully deserve.
—
## **Strategies to Escape the Grip of People-Pleasing**
Exhibiting kindness or being helpful doesn’t necessitate neglecting your own needs. To liberate yourself from the harmful pattern of people-pleasing, it’s crucial to enhance self-awareness, reaffirm your priorities, and reprogram your mindset. Here is a 3-step approach to initiate the process:
—
### **1. Awareness**
The initial step toward overcoming people-pleasing is to identify where it manifests in your life. Try this straightforward daily exercise:
At the end of each day, consider your actions. Ask yourself, _“Did I achieve what I needed and wanted today, or did most of my time and energy get consumed by fulfilling others’ expectations?”_
Over time, this practice will help you uncover patterns of placing others above yourself. Recognition is an essential component of regaining control and resetting your priorities.
—
### **2. Understanding**
An essential mindset shift in overcoming people-pleasing involves grasping that the opinions of others about you