People-pleasing may not appear to be that detrimental. After all, what harm is there in being considerate and attempting to assist others or bring them joy?
However, people-pleasing typically transcends mere generosity. The dictionary describes it as “an individual who possesses an emotional necessity to satisfy others, often at the cost of his or her own wishes or aspirations.”
You may go out of your way to fulfill the needs or wants of those around you, dictated by your perceptions of their desires. You sacrifice your time and energy to win their affection.
This is where people-pleasing can lead to difficulties. The desire for others’ approval can be harmful when we prioritize their wishes over our own necessities.
Why People-Pleasing Might Not Be Entirely Your Fault
From a young age, we internalized that gaining the approval of others was essential for our survival. It was crucial. You get that, right? Thus, from childhood through our teenage years, we rely on that approval. Because without it, you feel as if your existence is jeopardized.
The issue is that many of us carry that quest for approval—this “survival instinct”—into adulthood, albeit in a different manner.
So there’s nothing inherently wrong with seeking approval. In certain situations, it can be beneficial.
Nonetheless, when that need for approval dictates your adult life, it can be detrimental.
I’ve assembled a few indicators you may exhibit if you are a people-pleaser.
If any of these traits resonate with you, I encourage you to continue reading to discover how to condition your mind to function FOR you rather than against you.
Still uncertain if you’re a people-pleaser or simply very generous? Here are some clear signs of people-pleasing.
1. You agree when you ought to refuse
You may fear that saying “no” or declining someone’s request for assistance will imply that you don’t care about them.
Agreeing to fulfill their wishes might appear to be a safer path, even when you lack the time or desire to assist.
Many individuals consent to obligations they’d prefer to avoid, such as helping someone relocate or lending money that exceeds their budget.
However, a consistent pattern of such behavior can lead to issues since it signals to others that their wants take precedence over yours.
It also reveals that you might be overly concerned about others’ opinions of you, or that you measure your worth against those around you — a significant barrier in prioritizing your needs and overall self-perception.
Some may exploit this, disregarding your limits because they know you will acquiesce to their demands regardless.
2. You feel unauthentic
People-pleasers often struggle to recognize their true emotions because they are so preoccupied with becoming whom others desire or require them to be.
Continuing to prioritize others’ needs over your own makes it increasingly challenging to acknowledge your feelings. Eventually, you might not even be certain of what you truly want or how to remain genuine to yourself.
You might also find it difficult to express the feelings you are aware of, even when you wish to advocate for yourself.
For instance, you may refrain from telling your partner they upset you, thinking, “They didn’t intend to hurt me, so if I say something, I’ll only cause them pain.”
However, this dismisses the crucial reality of the situation: They did hurt your feelings.
3. You feel bitter and resentful rather than joyful and energized
One significant consequence of people-pleasing is heightened stress.
This can occur easily when you take on more responsibilities than you can manage, aiming to provide support to someone else.
You not only forfeit time for yourself but also find you have less time for the things that genuinely matter.
To address the bare necessities, you might end up working longer hours or sacrificing sleep, eventually facing physical repercussions of bitterness, anxiety, and stress.
If you wish to alter the pattern of people-pleasing, acknowledging how these behaviors manifest in your life is an excellent initial step. However, recognizing the issue does not always resolve it.
Take these steps to eliminate any limiting beliefs surrounding the necessity to please others:
1. Awareness
Identifying your tendency towards people-pleasing is truly the first and foremost step in learning how to cease it.
Try this exercise:
At the end of each day, take a moment to reflect on what you achieved.
Consider… Were the tasks you completed that day aligned with what you wanted or needed to accomplish, or did your “to-do” list become dominated by requests from others?
The more you begin to pinpoint your own needs and priorities, the simpler it will be to concentrate on what you wish to achieve instead of becoming frustrated and overwhelmed by someone else’s agenda.
2. Understanding